Stick your blue passport up yo ass

Every year starts and ends with a list. And the sound of witless hacks and scribes scraping the bottom of the content barrel. They realise that what was it in has long since been sucked dry at a time of year when most people have nothing better to do than flick aimlessly through cyberspace, waiting for their thumbs to find them something gratifying.

So rather than any new pictures online of dogs doing magical things, cooking up bananas or smooching with your wife, you’re gonna get all the old ones you’ve seen before but compiled into a one stop shop for all your dog wife smooching needs. Thank you oh powerful content curators. Without your handy signposting, we would be all lost, adrift in a culturally dank existence. Amid all the total bollocks of the last 12 months, here’s what we’ve been listening to as Trump felches and May fails. Fuck your blue passports, fuck you Rupert Murdoch capiche? You can’t tell us what to think.

Slowdive

Been caning this one song by shoegazing returnees Slowdive all year. The rest of the album has gone unheard but this really does it for us...


Jackmaster 

Scottish lad Jackmaster is almost as well known for his ability to stay awake forever as he is for his astute choice of tuneage but this Eros moment from his Essential Mix was one of the best...

Ride

Another old bunch of bastards making satisfying guitar music for old farts like me...

Bicep 

This isn't by Bicep but is taken from their Beats in Space show. Like an italo 10cc...

DJ Harvey 

He's back and he's still the man. This is the opener from his 2017 mixtape for legendary Ibiza institution Pikes...

LCD Soundsystem 

LCD returned to great fanfare in 2017 with their best record yet by miles. Hats off to Murphy et all for pulling it out of the bag...

Stranger Things 2

Stranger Things returned and was, surprisingly, not shit. Phew. The music was as addictive and as satisfying as anything else made in the '017...

Is that morning sickness or she just gagging on her beauty?

2015 tuneage has been big on the road and here are some of the things to get our knickers in something of a twist...

Beacons 2014

I can't stand the rain ... against my window - that's Tina Turner for you but it's obvious that the bow-legged one with the large pipes has never camped. Rain against your window is fine but rain inside your tent is not. Beacons, a three day festival in Skipton, offered some of the most challenging camping conditions we'd ever encountered in the form of the fag end of Hurricane Bertha. This flatulent beast ran amok through the site on Sunday evening, shutting down areas, causing mass muddage and big leaks. Camping in it on the night itself with the legs of the tent going all akimbo was an act of extreme endurance. Thank god for downers otherwise the puddle in one side of our temporary home could have been called a problem.

At the same time, while we'd never been wetter, Beacons was a totally fucking wicked vibe which made you remember that London is not the centre of the universe. Far from it. This event, catering for a fraction of the size of the audience crammed into similar musically bent parties in the capital, showed you could get fairly splattered but without feeling like a bog eyed hen in a really small cage. While it was a highly debauched couple of days, it was all tinged with an air of the civilised. Our trip from the train station to pitched tent took minutes rather than hours. The beer (the beautifully titled Ringmaster) was much nicer and cheaper than the Turborg we’d become accustomed to. No queues for either the bars or bogs was another large tick in the Beacons box for sure.

The music was also totally on point with the likes of Fat White Family, Neneh Cherry, Ralph Lawson, A Love from Outer Space and Jackmaster filling our ears and minds with total stimulation. Sleaford Mods also kicked some serious arse with their twitchy, speed-fuelled rage against the 9-5.

While the day after the (final night) before was hard, it also meant we got to experience the joys of Skipton. Turns out you can get a full English for less than £3, a juicy pie for less than a pound and a three bedroom mansion with a yard and garden for the same price tag as a bread bin in Stoke Newington. To Right Move and don’t spare the horses.

Vera Lynn

Wiggy

Looking fresh

Steez

Jackmaster Mastermix 2013

If you're an aspiring DJ, then the man to beat is undoubtedly Jackmaster. He's king of the genre splice, effortlessly able to jive between techno to r'n'b in an almost fluid motion. His label Numbers have recently marked their tenth birthday and to celebrate the man himself has done this fucking amazing mix. It's amazing and you need it in your lives...

Numbers turn a car park over

If you've taken just a small amount of notice of the sort of shit going down in electronic circles over the last 12 months, then your ears should be well familiar with the work of Glaswegian label Numbers.

Hudson Mohawke, Rustie, Jackmaster, Spencers and Goodhand are the men at its core but their releases and dances have incorporated sonic action from the likes of cohorts Deadboy, DJ Pierre, Redinho, Jamie XX and other key electronicy, wonky players.

To celebrate what has been a mammoth year for the crew, they hosted a huge party in a central London car park for their dedicated followers, who turned out in their droves to pay their respects via the rave. The bill was a wet dream for any fucker who reckons their fingers are wrapped around the pulse with much of the aforementioned Numbers team representing heavy stylez.

We arrived already in a half mangled state to witness Deadboy and Spencer sparring over a snarly mixture of fresh fire and older electronic classics before Hudmo sent the place totally upside down. The oddly shaped gent played a crunchingly heavy mixture of r'n'b and classic hip hop as well as many of his own big 'uns to send the car park spiralling into overdrive. It culminated in R.Kelly's Bump'n'Grind, which was a fittingly daft conclusion to a sweaty, party hard set of b.a.n.g.e.r.s.

Our collective sense began to deteriote rapidly at this point. One of our number was lost down the front out of his box on two bottles of cheap plonk while the rest of us were baying hard and boogieing strong. Rustie carried on where Hudmo left off with a large locker of hyper-real tackle whereas Jamie XX and Jackmaster were slightly less garish with a more standard selection of house. Although this was how it looked from where we were standing. Which was near the back. We left before the dawn close to go back round our ends and sing-along to Coldplay albums for an hour before straddling the hay. Big business from a big, young team. Do your maths 2012. Numbers are coming for you...

I love Jackmaster and I'm not afraid to admit it

The latest Fabriclive mix is owned by Scottish DJ dude Jackmaster. He's one of the main players in the Numbers crew and one of the best DJs we've seen over the past year. He's disgustingly young but seems to be able to deeply tailor his sets to any kind of party - whether it be booty bass, grime or disco. His latest Fabric mix has been on repeat in our kitchen and my headphones for the past month and a half and there's still no sign of it losing its edge. It's energetic, exciting DJing which doesn't veer into the kingdom of the sausage fest, despite having a tracklisting which should make any IDM head weak at the knees.

You can read my review for Resident Advisor and the interview I did with him for Stool Pigeon underneath below...

Jackmaster Fabric mix Resident Advisor review

Jackmaster interview with the Stool Pigeon

This Anthony Shakir tune is one of the more exquisite delights from the mix - but everyone of the 29 tunes on there is a freaking minter. Brace...