Darts

January is a depressing time of the year but imagine how bleak it would be without the darts at the Lakeside.

After the excess of new year (and our new year stretched long, long, long into new year's day which led to a bit of boo hoo), it always takes us a wee while to get through the paranoia and rediscover the unquenchable thirst for lager we enjoyed throughout December. But this year, on January 5 it was darts o'clock. We had no choice but to man up and get our drink back on. Not swilling ale down your gob and down your front at the darts is as unthinkable as walking past a Gregg's and not ducking in for a chicken bake. Outrageous.

We watched the highlights of the first day at the Lakeside to get us in the mood for our first round session on the Sunday of this year's competition. From our first viewing, Alan 'Chuck' Norris definitely marked himself out as a real contender. It was the combination of his winning way with the arrows, confident pot noodle chat and 'Asbo darts' case for his spears. He had all the makings of a star. A Saturday evening viewing also ensured that by the time Sunday morning rolled around, we were knowledged up, thirsty and ready.

Getting the train to the Lakeside felt like we were on the train to nowhere. The only clue that this was the darts express was a man dressed as a Saudi oil baron and the group of 'lads' in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle attire. Other than that, it was just a bunch of morose-looking blokes eating M&S butties with all the vim and vigour of a day at work ahead. Even when we disembarked in Farnborough, there was no way you'd think there was an important sporting event going down in the near vicinity. It was as dead as fuck.

After a taxi ride to the Lakeside complex, we bundled our way inside the Lakeside - it feels like a massive working men's club in the 'arena'. It's one massive boozer with a darts board on a small stage - but you could feel the magic in the air. We found our table and bought a jug of pissy lager which set the tone for the afternoon. We got carried away during the first match while watching Japanese pretender to the throne Hiroaki Shimizu against Christian Kist and downed the jug amid all the shouting and throwing of arrows. It set the quaffing pace for the rest of the afternoon.

While we caughy some serious arrows, the bits in-between the matches were almost as fun as we sought to meet some of the 'stars in the building. BBC presenter Colin Murray was caught outside having a gasper and requested that, while he would happily sign an autograph, he'd prefer not to have his photo taken smoking a cig. No worries Col - but sign my Ryan Gosling autograph book yo. He did. Nice one.

Feel the magic

Martin Wolfie Adams stumbled into our path and was game for a photo, as was Robbie 'Kong' Green while we caught up some of the refs for a pose and a grimace. As we got more pished up, the subjects of our photos widened to embrace members of the shit-faced crowd including a woman dressed up as a character from Avatar, The Mask, a smoking priest and a collection of Oompa Lumpa's. By the time the final match wrapped up at 9pm, we'd gone cross eyed and become firm 'friends' with our fellow pissheads sitting at our table. All the gallons of Carlsberg made venturing into the nearby bar/club seem like an amazing idea. This was where the drunker contingent of the crowd (who must call Farnborough home) stumble about drinking as much pissy lager as they get in their gullets without passing out or getting in a ruck. We left after one of the Oompa Lumpa's (from Brum) announced he was a military man and had killed some 80 men. His faintly depressing words sent us off in a taxi to our nearby Premier Inn on the other side of Farnborough. But neither of us can remember getting into. The next day I woke up farty, bloated with half my memory, a dry mouth and an overwhelming feeling that we'd been part of something truly amazing. That my friends is pure darts...

Me and Colin Murray

Wolfie and me

Kong and Kathyyyy

180!

A smoking priest. Probably not a real priest.

Avatar meets the Mask in the darts...

Oompa Lumpa

Just justin'

One of the refs

The wolf of Lakeside

Clapping like darts-loving bastards

Running tings in the London Marathon

More talk, more action has been a maxim round our way for some time after we got sick of chatting big but never following through. The ultimate bit of action (without jumping off a cliff or shooting someone in the ass) is to go out and run the London marathon. So this year, I'm following in the illustrious footsteps of Gordon Ramsey and Katherine Jenkins, strapping on the short shorts and giving it a fucking go.

As anyone who's been following my behaviour vicariously through this blog over time may guess, I've been hungover for about 20 years so this could be the end of me. Fingers crossed I live to tell the tale as runners who die probably don't get to donate their money to their charity of choice. And it would be a real shame if the £1,500 I'm hoping to rustle up for Kith and Kids doesn't reach them.

Kith and who you say? Not 'kissing kids' (although that's unfortunately how it sounds when you tell people).  Well Kith and Kids do amazing work supporting young adults and kids with a learning disability or autism to overcome their social exclusion and learn new skills via weekly clubs and projects.

You can check out more of their business on their website here;

http://www.kithandkids.org.uk  

I've been struggling in to the Sunday clubs with a hangover for the last couple of years as well as kicking a football with their soccer team so this feels like a good way to thank them for all the vibes from up in Tottenham. 

Want to donate and help me raise the dosh? Nice one - click here and visit my Just Giving page innit... 

Christmas 2013333333

Oooh hun - Christmas is a magical, frosty, liver killing time of year. You're constantly encouraged to drink at every opportunity and if you don't have five courses of whatever it is you're eating, then it's frowned on and you're a fucking little prude.

November is a time best spent battening down the hatches and ensuring all your trousers are elasticated of waist so they can take the extra pressure in December.

2013's Christmas time was no exception to previous years in the binge drinking/eating stakes. We were out far more than we were in. But it really is a pleasure to go through the final working weeks in the run up to the big day taking long lunches and constantly being either pissed, on the way to being pissed or getting over being really pissed. At times it was painful. Very painful. It was great to reach Christmas in one piece in order to have some proper shut eye and a slight respite before it all kicked off again in time for new year. Ouchy wouchy...

Booze. Wrapped up.

Terrible scratching skills

There's a frog in my gateau

Meal of the year innit

Fam repping

Glugging

 

Note making

Letting one off

The fence isn't on fire. That's a Christmas firework!

Ganja socks

Christmas tree

Diana

Fam rolling out the balls

Pon ze beach

 

Pebbles

Someone's on the phone - it's a fresh start and they're calling for you

2013 is nearly at its close. It's been a BIGGIE especially over the last few months. Fry ups, baking contests, chip butties, art galleries, culture. You name it, we've been doing it...

Hangover remedy

I'm not sure what's happening here but I don't like it

Christmas disguise

Club Kids

The mythical crow

Videos la

 

Karl and his cat

Free beers

Get in ma belly

The view from our gaff

Old school deserts

Getting all Mary Berry

The winning cake

Fucking smashed it

Favourite record of the year

Peaches the racist show dog

Bloody mary!

Meaningless home made Christmas card

Toff twat

December hangover crutch

Xmas work do lunch

Second hangover crutch

Ganja crew

Warp vs Tate Britain

Warp Records have been doing their electronic thing for years and have (some times) been a wee bit more studious than the boshier end of the bleepy spectrum. So with this in mind, it wasn't that surprising for the label to announce a collaboration with art bad boy Jeremy Deller and co-host a night of aural terror in the Tate Britain. Deller's History of the World shows off the interconnections between acid house and brass bands so makes for a natural fit with Warp. Excitingly there was a brass band billed to perform the acid brass classics that Deller had worked on some years ago as well as installations from Warp artists such as Hudson Mohawke and Rustie. All for free.

With no price tag attached, it was always going to be busy but the amount of hype and worry which went into getting in was something else. We hot footed it down after work to be confronted by a queue, but, despite what the internet was saying, not an unmanageable one. Inside though it was all very confusing with rooms full of art and music seemingly unrelated to each other. This lack of focus and a bamboozling map resulted in shed load of trendies wandering around looking even more vague and bewildered than usual. 

As is the way with these things, we spent a fair amount of time outside in the smoking and drinking section. We saw the new set of stairs everyone's been banging on about (nice stairs), then entered the main hall for the live music. This was a real spectacle with cavernous ceiling, neon lights and good noises. We caught the ambient, electronic noodlings of Dark Star which sounded suitably portentous/pretentious in that setting. Then the brass band were next up and as exciting as it initially was to witness brass instruments bashing through the KLF's What Time is Love, the lack of vibe and volume of bodies in the room had us heading to the door and to the boozer. It's amazing that this sort of thing goes down and is free for all but at the same time, a wee bit more focus and it could have been something more than the minor disappointment it was...

What's going on?

It was very, very busy

Checking the brass band