Tuesday, 14 July 2015

The cringey curse of Cortana

The wild combo of being in a band, being young and posh plus having your roots in the classical music gene pool is never going to do too much for your kudos.

So in some ways, it might be nice to feel a slight amount of pity for Clean Bandit, a group who are all that and more. A teeny, weeny, weeny smidge of sympathy. A micro dot. A smudge. A glimmer.

This band of Cambridge classical music graduates are posh and smug but thanks to a winning way with a pop hook and a string sample, they've managed to get pretty far over the last two years, blitzing the charts, selling shitloads of records and playing rammoed gigs to loads of kids who mistakenly think their hybrid of club and concert hall is edgy. In fact they were literally flying until they had the misfortune of meeting Microsoft's answer to Siri, the mealy mouthed Cortana, in a telly advert so bad it's pretty much put a bag over the head of their career.

Microsoft must have waved a considerably sized cheque in front of their faces for them to do it - one so big that it dislodged the silver spoon wedged in their collective arsecake, blew up their synapses and convinced them that speaking to a servant voice coming out of a phone was a good thing to do. Well the fuck nuts were wrong. Every time you hear the word 'Cortana', it's now in a faux posh accent combined with a jutting, tanned chin aping the magical dialogue and acting of the ad. Then followed by the words 'cunts'. It's fucking awful and unsurprisingly the band have kept stum ever since, possibly because they're too embarrassed to fan by the flames of hatred via further interviews or adverts. Their press people are crossing their fingers, wisely hoping that by saying nothing, the group will someone claw back enough credibility to continue.

While Clean Bandit are now letting their increasingly shite music do the talking, what of Cortana? Well we keep spotting the bastard out on the streets. Answering increasingly shitty, smug questions. Shoot to kill!

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