Tuesday, 4 October 2011

Once upon time in the West - Toronto part deux

I said hello to the first morning of being 30 in the same way many mornings of my supposed adult life have been greeted. With a desperate need for a glass of water and an explanation. But despite the memory loss, and the pain in the collective gut, we spent the next four days lording it up like princes. Proper princes.

On Friday we discovered it was Toronto's 'Beer Week' - and subsequently wandered round in the torrential rain until we found Bar Volo and it's extensive selection of micro-brewed ale. We consumed enough of their boozes to make friends with some Sheffield ex-pats, fell in love with the bar maid (again), ate a veal burger, then headed to Toddla T and Roska's show at the Mod Club. Behaviour took a turn for the lairy - we quaffed their beers, jived on the stage with the other liggers and acted like we owned the joint. Which we blatantly didn't. And woke up with the stench of guilt in the air and a business card belonging to someone from Vice magazine.

Our Saturday vibe was based around travelling from the penthouse to the pavement - via a limo natch. Turns out shitloads of the 'taxis' in Toronto are posh as fuck - so we made the five minute journey from the opulent hotel to the tidgy hostel in an extravagant a style as possible. Then entered a room as big as a thimble - stylez. But our low key dwellings inspired the trip to even more ludicrous heights...

We took a boat to the islands on Lake Ontario and wandered round a creepy, deserted children's fairground before heading back to dine in a greasy style at Hooter's. Canada's Wonderland was our destination the day after - here the vibe was all about scaring oneself witless on the ginormous roller coasters - I've never wailed so much. The Behemoth took the prize for its stomach churning drop but my eyes were glued shut for the duration. Like a little girl. Standard.

Our trip to Niagara the day after was dismantled by our own hand - we got too fucked up in the nearby Irish bar to make the hostel bus we'd booked - but being resourceful chaps, we set off anyway. And, after a train ride, a bus journey and a lengthy walk we found one of the wonders of the world. Then gave it five minutes of ogling before gipping off in search of the nearby Casino to lose the rest of our dollar dollar bills y'all.

That was that - The flight back was much like our jaunt out there - Fuelled by vodka, juice and cinematic treats with a side helping of Erasure before going into work on no sleep and answering shitloads of emails. Oooof. Props to Toronto for having us. And all the folk we drank, danced and drunkenly shouted at. You were all too kind...

Second breakfast as a 30 year old

Halloween cards - these fuckers are berserk


Tee hee

'beater in an Irish bag - keeping it classy

Canada knows what time it is - NEVER FAKE IT

Delicious micro-brewery business

It's a veal burger ting


Roska doing his ting at the Mod Club


Ligging it up proper stylez with T-dilly

Stage business

The healing power of Quince

Our first hotel

Our second 'hotel'

Sound advice

Dogging styles


Perving in the park

Right porker


At sea

CORN DOG - it's a fucking CORN DOG

They take Halloween seriously

Hooters - the 'Bleu Burger' meal - pot of fat on the side

Boneless wings residue - no idea how they get them boneless

A moment of na... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Taking the boat to Hooters

Canada's Wonderland - security just out of shot

The Psyclone in action

The entrance

We went on this

And this...

And the Vortex

Stomach wobbling burritto - settle the nerves with summat trumpy

Whac a Mole - We got beaten by a child

Go Karting

Bricking it at the wheel

Massive fuck off prizes

We went on this

And this

And this - The Behemoth

And this...

Then finished on this...

Throw the Ring - we bought 60 rings - won dick all

The elusive rings - fuck your rings

Leaving Wonderland

The shack

Waking up to realise we'd missed our coach to Niagara due to being too fucked on beers and jager

What we could have done

Consolation dog

2 dogs in the claw are worth 4 in the bush

Our mission - bus, train and lengthy mooch

Found the fucker

Niagara Falls - the town - like Blackpool but with more meat


Niagara knows what time it is

Close up of the zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

To the Casino to try and regain all the dosh we spunked in Hooters


Stern words in the gents

Sex and the City fruity

First pay out didn't cut it

In the zone

Worried about leaving the hobs on


Cash collection point

400 bucks later...

The train back to the hostel - utterly fuck off massive

The bottom of our road

They do tings differently here

The final munch in Canadia - philly steak and beers

Proof we were here

Our hostel

Burger ting

Our pervy limo driver to the airport - wife in Canada - 5 young girlfriends in Cuba - EEK

Fuck you later Toronto

Airport bar - last of the denk

Final jager on Canadian soil - emotional moment in the bar

Even more emotional moment on paying

Plane entertainment

Our vessel back

Work desk - 9.25am on Wednesday - no sleep since Monday - thanks a lot