Tuesday 4 October 2011

Once upon time in the West - Toronto part deux



I said hello to the first morning of being 30 in the same way many mornings of my supposed adult life have been greeted. With a desperate need for a glass of water and an explanation. But despite the memory loss, and the pain in the collective gut, we spent the next four days lording it up like princes. Proper princes.

On Friday we discovered it was Toronto's 'Beer Week' - and subsequently wandered round in the torrential rain until we found Bar Volo and it's extensive selection of micro-brewed ale. We consumed enough of their boozes to make friends with some Sheffield ex-pats, fell in love with the bar maid (again), ate a veal burger, then headed to Toddla T and Roska's show at the Mod Club. Behaviour took a turn for the lairy - we quaffed their beers, jived on the stage with the other liggers and acted like we owned the joint. Which we blatantly didn't. And woke up with the stench of guilt in the air and a business card belonging to someone from Vice magazine.

Our Saturday vibe was based around travelling from the penthouse to the pavement - via a limo natch. Turns out shitloads of the 'taxis' in Toronto are posh as fuck - so we made the five minute journey from the opulent hotel to the tidgy hostel in an extravagant a style as possible. Then entered a room as big as a thimble - stylez. But our low key dwellings inspired the trip to even more ludicrous heights...

We took a boat to the islands on Lake Ontario and wandered round a creepy, deserted children's fairground before heading back to dine in a greasy style at Hooter's. Canada's Wonderland was our destination the day after - here the vibe was all about scaring oneself witless on the ginormous roller coasters - I've never wailed so much. The Behemoth took the prize for its stomach churning drop but my eyes were glued shut for the duration. Like a little girl. Standard.

Our trip to Niagara the day after was dismantled by our own hand - we got too fucked up in the nearby Irish bar to make the hostel bus we'd booked - but being resourceful chaps, we set off anyway. And, after a train ride, a bus journey and a lengthy walk we found one of the wonders of the world. Then gave it five minutes of ogling before gipping off in search of the nearby Casino to lose the rest of our dollar dollar bills y'all.

That was that - The flight back was much like our jaunt out there - Fuelled by vodka, juice and cinematic treats with a side helping of Erasure before going into work on no sleep and answering shitloads of emails. Oooof. Props to Toronto for having us. And all the folk we drank, danced and drunkenly shouted at. You were all too kind...



Second breakfast as a 30 year old



Halloween cards - these fuckers are berserk



Steeze



Tee hee



'beater in an Irish bag - keeping it classy



Canada knows what time it is - NEVER FAKE IT



Delicious micro-brewery business



It's a veal burger ting



L.O.V.E



Roska doing his ting at the Mod Club



Toddla TTTTTTTTTTT



Ligging it up proper stylez with T-dilly



Stage business



The healing power of Quince



Our first hotel



Our second 'hotel'



Sound advice



Dogging styles



Art?



Perving in the park



Right porker



Lost



At sea



CORN DOG - it's a fucking CORN DOG



They take Halloween seriously



Hooters - the 'Bleu Burger' meal - pot of fat on the side



Boneless wings residue - no idea how they get them boneless



A moment of na... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz



Taking the boat to Hooters



Canada's Wonderland - security just out of shot



The Psyclone in action



The entrance



We went on this



And this...



And the Vortex



Stomach wobbling burritto - settle the nerves with summat trumpy



Whac a Mole - We got beaten by a child



Go Karting



Bricking it at the wheel



Massive fuck off prizes



We went on this



And this



And this - The Behemoth



And this...



Then finished on this...



Throw the Ring - we bought 60 rings - won dick all



The elusive rings - fuck your rings



Leaving Wonderland



The shack



Waking up to realise we'd missed our coach to Niagara due to being too fucked on beers and jager



What we could have done



Consolation dog



2 dogs in the claw are worth 4 in the bush



Our mission - bus, train and lengthy mooch



Found the fucker



Niagara Falls - the town - like Blackpool but with more meat



Curiosities



Niagara knows what time it is



Close up of the zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz



To the Casino to try and regain all the dosh we spunked in Hooters



HIGHER



Stern words in the gents



Sex and the City fruity



First pay out didn't cut it



In the zone



Worried about leaving the hobs on



Loser



Cash collection point



400 bucks later...



The train back to the hostel - utterly fuck off massive



The bottom of our road



They do tings differently here



The final munch in Canadia - philly steak and beers



Proof we were here



Our hostel



Burger ting



Our pervy limo driver to the airport - wife in Canada - 5 young girlfriends in Cuba - EEK



Fuck you later Toronto



Airport bar - last of the denk



Final jager on Canadian soil - emotional moment in the bar



Even more emotional moment on paying



Plane entertainment



Our vessel back



Work desk - 9.25am on Wednesday - no sleep since Monday - thanks a lot